Do I look happy yet?

Happiness. What does that look like? More importantly, what does that feel like?

Is it getting that gift on Christmas morning that you begged for all year? Is it getting an extra scoop of ice cream on the cone? Making straight A's? That look in a partner's eyes that makes your stomach flip?

Honestly, I think it's all of those things and more but how do you get there? I am about to be really vulnerable for a moment. To be honest, I haven't felt happy in a long time. Not because I didn't want it or didn't know how to get there, but because I didn't think I deserved it.

I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the word. No one is. I have done plenty of things in my life that I regret. I have hurt people I love to the point where I thought it would be better if I wasn't around anymore. Sorry for getting dark, but it's the truth. That is what I thought. I walked down the beach one night and thought to myself "all I would have to do is walk deep enough. No one would ever know." I knew then I had reached my lowest.

I cannot sit here and tell you that I had a horrible life. I didn't. I had the most supportive family and friends anyone could have ever asked for. I was surrounded by so much love it was almost suffocating. So how did I reach this level of self-loathing? I really couldn't pinpoint it for you.

At one point I was in a very stressful job and a relationship that didn't end up working out. I was scared and unhealthy and sad. I was put on sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep through the night. If I woke up one day without a headache or migraine it was a miracle. My hair started falling out from how much stress I was under working for a narcissist. I gained weight and started looking at myself as imperfect because I wasn't as skinny as I used to be.

I know most of this sounds trivial, but it is was really happened. I am not ashamed of how I once felt, because it lead me to where I am today. One of the worst fears I have is the fear of being alone. I have struggled with the need for other's validation for so many years I felt like I couldn't live without it. The irony in all of this was I became so depressed and had so much hate for myself that I pushed away anyone who was willing to help me.

"Leave me alone." "I'm not worth helping." "I don't want to talk about it." That was my thought process and finally, it got to the point where I had hurt the people around me so much that I was alone. Let me tell you that was the worst I have ever felt in my life.

Then one day, I decided that I wouldn't feel that way anymore. With the encouragement of my mom, I started seeing a counselor. I decided to take the leap and apply for graduate school. I got accepted, moved four hours away from everyone and everything I know, and take care of myself. Best decision I have ever made.

This was also the hardest decision I have ever made. Graduate school has been nothing short of challenging but also rewarding. I have been talking with my counselor once a week for almost a year now. I have my bad days which sometimes turn into bad weeks. I am not going to act like any of this has been easy, because it has been anything but.

I have cried, screamed, and questioned every step of this journey. You know what I have realized through all of this? It is ok NOT to be ok. It is ok to feel sad, defeated, or ready to give up. What is not ok is to let that define you. Depression is not something that ever truly goes away. It is a day-to-day battle to decide that you are worth it. You are stronger than all the fears and negativity.

That is why this blog is called Day by Day. I live day by day making sure that I am doing what makes me happy and what makes me feel fulfilled. Do I always make the right decisions? NO. Do I always put myself first? NO. Do I ever let the sadness consume me? YES! But I have learned so much through this fight.

I have the most amazing family and most supportive friends I could have ever asked for. They remind me all the time that I am worth it. That I am strong, smart, beautiful, and confident. I am beyond blessed. I can never put into words how much these individuals mean to me. They could have easily walked away and given up on me but they didn't. So how could I give up on myself?

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, there is a reason you have read on this far. You resonate with it. You realize that someone else has felt what you have to some extent. No matter how alone you feel in this big crazy world there is someone, maybe just one or thousands of people that know what you are going through in some form or fashion.

Today, I am sitting in my apartment in Tuscaloosa with my two cats doing the one thing I love more than anything: writing. I am providing for myself. I am going to the gym and working on not only my physical but my mental health as well. I will graduate with a MASTER'S degree in August and will pursue a career in journalism.

I am telling you, even in your darkest moments there is something better waiting for you. BUT it is up to YOU and ONLY YOU to work towards it. You can either let the negativity and bs consume you or you can rise above it and be better for yourself. No one said it would be easy and honestly, it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do but you're doing it!

I am still learning and there are still things I struggle with, but I can say that I am the happiest, healthiest, and most confident I have ever been! I will be damned if I let ANYONE or ANYTHING take that away from me again. So raise your heads, kings and queens. Write your own truth and screw other people's opinions of you. What do you want out of YOUR life? That is up to you.

I was in my feelings tonight and needed to get my thoughts out. I hope this has helped someone in some way. Thank you for supporting and loving me. I love you back! Carpe f***ing Diem and as always happy reading friends.